My baby boy Brad likes to scratch and yawn and stretch. He loves YouTube and Facebook. He meticulously searches out articles on his favorite news stories and if he can locate a video that expands on the topic, he will watch it, all of it.
Today, sweet Brad yawned so loudly that I heard him over my music. Sweet and endearing. I wanted to go pat him on the back.
That is my little boy, my sweet, adorable man child. BRAD!
All of this would in actuality be so cute if Brad was actually my child or my nephew. Or 4!
He's not though. He is 28. Yes, that is in years, not dog years though he scratches like a hound.
He is grown, a fact that he often reminds me of. He is a man. Worst of all, he is my employee, at least until I return from vacation.
When I return from vacation, I am going to fire my baby boy. I am going to reveal to him that I have been monitoring his computer for the last 2 weeks, documenting and logging all of his useless activity so that I can fight him when he files unemployment.
I am going to crush him, most likely by grabbing his balls that he so loves to scratch and move around all day long, in my vice like grip.
Maybe I'll even use pliars.
Sweet dreams my sweet boy!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Facebook Is The Devil
Made the mistake of looking at my sister's profile. Big mistake. I'm an idiot.
She makes zero contact with me yet she seems all too excited to make contact with Ari. They talk, they hang out, they dance and worst of all Ari is encouraged to hang out with my niece and nephew. My sister is so happy that Ari loves her boy!
I am wretching in agony.
I'm sick with the reality. Sick that my sister trusts someone who has spoken so ill of my niece and nephew. Sick that there is so much ridiculous, fake trust between them.
I've hidden Ari's profile for this reason. Why do I look? Why can't I just not care?
What sort of glutton for punishment am I?
I can not reconcile all that transpires, mostly unspoken, between us. I am sick. I deserve better.
No matter how hard I try, I miss my family. I wish they could see me for who I am. I wish my family could see others for who they truly are.
I am so angry. I am so lost. I am incredibly changed by all of this. No matter what, nothing will ever be the same.
Love my wife, kids, in laws, friends, dogs and cats. Just want to get over it.
She makes zero contact with me yet she seems all too excited to make contact with Ari. They talk, they hang out, they dance and worst of all Ari is encouraged to hang out with my niece and nephew. My sister is so happy that Ari loves her boy!
I am wretching in agony.
I'm sick with the reality. Sick that my sister trusts someone who has spoken so ill of my niece and nephew. Sick that there is so much ridiculous, fake trust between them.
I've hidden Ari's profile for this reason. Why do I look? Why can't I just not care?
What sort of glutton for punishment am I?
I can not reconcile all that transpires, mostly unspoken, between us. I am sick. I deserve better.
No matter how hard I try, I miss my family. I wish they could see me for who I am. I wish my family could see others for who they truly are.
I am so angry. I am so lost. I am incredibly changed by all of this. No matter what, nothing will ever be the same.
Love my wife, kids, in laws, friends, dogs and cats. Just want to get over it.
Tour de What the Fuck is Happening
Tour de France.
Here are my thoughts/frustration:
I don't get it. I just don't.
The peleton is a mystery. The last day is a formality yet there are a number of sprint races going on that have nothing to do with the actual overall win.There are 40 kilometers of nothing, leisure riding really.
By the way, how far is a damn kilometer? I also don't understand the metric system despite my elementary school trying to cram it into my brain in 3rd grade so Americans could be more competitive with the rest of the world.
Then there is about 30 kilometers of something happening though I don't really know what and the end is 45 seconds of organizing, sprinting, highly charged announcing and finally the finish where the rider doesn't ride all the way through but pulls up at the end to sit up and prove that he can ride with no hands. All this while almost being nosed out by the 2nd place sprint finisher.
Evans WINS by a piece of spiky rubber dangling from his front tire! Spec-f'ing-tacular!
So exciting. It has been a great tour as reported by Kim, who love, love, loves it.
Kim is complaining in the background, "False advertising really pisses me off." She is so funny.
Anyway, the tour is over, and I no longer have to sit through it in order to not hurt Kim's feelings.
So I am celebrating the end of the tour. I'm not celebrating b/c of the drama or the amazing feats of the athletes. Though the crashes are fun, I don't celebrate the anticipation of the next tour.
I celebrate because the damn thing is over, and I get Kim back. It's been a long 2 weeks of missing my best friend and pretending that I sort of care about this race.
Here are my thoughts/frustration:
I don't get it. I just don't.
The peleton is a mystery. The last day is a formality yet there are a number of sprint races going on that have nothing to do with the actual overall win.There are 40 kilometers of nothing, leisure riding really.
By the way, how far is a damn kilometer? I also don't understand the metric system despite my elementary school trying to cram it into my brain in 3rd grade so Americans could be more competitive with the rest of the world.
Then there is about 30 kilometers of something happening though I don't really know what and the end is 45 seconds of organizing, sprinting, highly charged announcing and finally the finish where the rider doesn't ride all the way through but pulls up at the end to sit up and prove that he can ride with no hands. All this while almost being nosed out by the 2nd place sprint finisher.
Evans WINS by a piece of spiky rubber dangling from his front tire! Spec-f'ing-tacular!
So exciting. It has been a great tour as reported by Kim, who love, love, loves it.
Kim is complaining in the background, "False advertising really pisses me off." She is so funny.
Anyway, the tour is over, and I no longer have to sit through it in order to not hurt Kim's feelings.
So I am celebrating the end of the tour. I'm not celebrating b/c of the drama or the amazing feats of the athletes. Though the crashes are fun, I don't celebrate the anticipation of the next tour.
I celebrate because the damn thing is over, and I get Kim back. It's been a long 2 weeks of missing my best friend and pretending that I sort of care about this race.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Day of Nothing
Sunday is one of the best days ever. I try to have no plans though that doesn't always work out. Today, I have no plans except to watch the American women win the World Cup.
Sunday is a day to catch up on my rest, do random chores that I need to get done but don't mind doing b/c I have no deadlines and to just spend time in the same house with my wonderful family.
I don't shower and sometimes I don't brush my teeth. Maybe that is gross but the great thing is that Kim still loves me despite my disgustingness.
In the past, I hoped to get invited to see my nephew's football game or hoped that my sister might invite me over for lunch. I have mostly given up on that. Mostly.
I feel incredibly happy. Kim is watching The Tour. Jake is doing his Jake things. TBNL is napping in her Momma's belly. Maggie and Lola just had breakfast. The cats are lounging on the porch. And I am finally beginning to write again.
I have worked hard to get here, and I fully intend to be here and be present.
Sunday is a day to catch up on my rest, do random chores that I need to get done but don't mind doing b/c I have no deadlines and to just spend time in the same house with my wonderful family.
I don't shower and sometimes I don't brush my teeth. Maybe that is gross but the great thing is that Kim still loves me despite my disgustingness.
In the past, I hoped to get invited to see my nephew's football game or hoped that my sister might invite me over for lunch. I have mostly given up on that. Mostly.
I feel incredibly happy. Kim is watching The Tour. Jake is doing his Jake things. TBNL is napping in her Momma's belly. Maggie and Lola just had breakfast. The cats are lounging on the porch. And I am finally beginning to write again.
I have worked hard to get here, and I fully intend to be here and be present.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Two Peas
Today Kim explained to my mother in law, I guess that's what I should call her though I have not yet checked with her about that nor am I sure that I should, the reason why I had not made the switch from the Blackberry to the IPhone faster.
You see, now, I love my IPhone. I would almost rather suffer death than to lose it or have to go back to my 4 pound Nokia or my very inefficient Blackberry. But before I made the change, I thought that I might have aneurism even considering a new phone.
The reason it took me so long..........I. hate. change. All change.
Deplore it. Loathe it.
Kim tells her this, and Jovette's reply is in the neighborhood of, "I think that you two were seperated at birth."
Very true, Jovette. I think that this is part of the reason that we get along so perfectly. I am the luckiest woman on Earth!
You see, now, I love my IPhone. I would almost rather suffer death than to lose it or have to go back to my 4 pound Nokia or my very inefficient Blackberry. But before I made the change, I thought that I might have aneurism even considering a new phone.
The reason it took me so long..........I. hate. change. All change.
Deplore it. Loathe it.
Kim tells her this, and Jovette's reply is in the neighborhood of, "I think that you two were seperated at birth."
Very true, Jovette. I think that this is part of the reason that we get along so perfectly. I am the luckiest woman on Earth!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday Revelations
I watched the USA women's soccer team make an incredible come back in the face of some awful calls by the refs and the clock working against them. Ten of them. Only ten b/c of a red card near the goal that shouldn't have been thrown.
A shoot out. A victory earned by working hard, believing in themselves, not giving up.
It made me goose bumpy to watch them celebrate.
In watching their win and jumping about the room high fiving Kim, I realized that I love team sports. I love the belongiing of it all. I love the comradary, the spirit. I love counting on other people and them counting on me. I love giving my all.
In this moment, this is when I discovered the reason why I was so devasted when Barb kicked me off of "her" team. That summer, all at the same time, was both the best and the worst of my life.
I was a team member. I was needed and counted on and supported while I wondered around wondering why Jessica and I hadn't worked.
Before the next season, Barb let me know in an email that I was not invited back.
Coward's way out.
I played and I played well, and I couldn't understand why Barb would kick me off. Her excuse just wasn't true. I had kept my batting average the entire season, and I had done well.
What I have learned from all of this is the difference between Barb and I is that I don't just play for myself, my glory, my agenda and Barb does.
Barb is not a team player.
I am a team player. I can't change that and now I know that I don't want to. It is one of the best things about me.
Come play with me, and I'm sure you will agree.
A shoot out. A victory earned by working hard, believing in themselves, not giving up.
It made me goose bumpy to watch them celebrate.
In watching their win and jumping about the room high fiving Kim, I realized that I love team sports. I love the belongiing of it all. I love the comradary, the spirit. I love counting on other people and them counting on me. I love giving my all.
In this moment, this is when I discovered the reason why I was so devasted when Barb kicked me off of "her" team. That summer, all at the same time, was both the best and the worst of my life.
I was a team member. I was needed and counted on and supported while I wondered around wondering why Jessica and I hadn't worked.
Before the next season, Barb let me know in an email that I was not invited back.
Coward's way out.
I played and I played well, and I couldn't understand why Barb would kick me off. Her excuse just wasn't true. I had kept my batting average the entire season, and I had done well.
What I have learned from all of this is the difference between Barb and I is that I don't just play for myself, my glory, my agenda and Barb does.
Barb is not a team player.
I am a team player. I can't change that and now I know that I don't want to. It is one of the best things about me.
Come play with me, and I'm sure you will agree.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The Wolf Pack
Some people are in my wolf pack by way of choice. Some people are in my wolf pack because of obligation or maybe guilt. Some are people that I want to be a part of my pack. Others I couldn't care less about. (Kim will most certainly comment about this phrase.)
Bottom line is that relationships are very confusing to me, and though I work really hard at them, in the end, I always feel inadequate or like a let down or somehow not as loveable as someone else.
Bottom line is that relationships are very confusing to me, and though I work really hard at them, in the end, I always feel inadequate or like a let down or somehow not as loveable as someone else.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Monday Return to Blogging
My first blog in a very long time. My MySpace blog ended in disaster, a disaster of my making and an unexpected outting of thoughts that I honestly believed were private. Thoughts between me and my friends, who were there to witness my joys and my struggles.
Out of all of that has come a new life, a new beginning. So to catch everyone up, which thus far only includes me and probably Kim, I am married to the woman of my dreams. We are pregnant with our 2nd child, Jake being the first. We have a goofy great dane named, Maggie, who at this very moment is sitting on our outdoor furniture exactly where she knows that she is not supposed to be. Lola is our little, compared to Maggie, orange Visla. Zoey, aka Fat Cat, and Luna, aka Tuna and Skinny Cat round out our little family. TBNL, the growing baby, is floating around in Kim's ever growing belly, which has begun to change and move about in the most bizarre ways.
So I am back in all the ways in which one can come back from the dead and return to a joyous life and as one of my group members encouraged me, "Write away. Write away!"
And that is exactly what I intend to do!
Out of all of that has come a new life, a new beginning. So to catch everyone up, which thus far only includes me and probably Kim, I am married to the woman of my dreams. We are pregnant with our 2nd child, Jake being the first. We have a goofy great dane named, Maggie, who at this very moment is sitting on our outdoor furniture exactly where she knows that she is not supposed to be. Lola is our little, compared to Maggie, orange Visla. Zoey, aka Fat Cat, and Luna, aka Tuna and Skinny Cat round out our little family. TBNL, the growing baby, is floating around in Kim's ever growing belly, which has begun to change and move about in the most bizarre ways.
So I am back in all the ways in which one can come back from the dead and return to a joyous life and as one of my group members encouraged me, "Write away. Write away!"
And that is exactly what I intend to do!
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