Fucking Accountability

I've been doing a lot of thinking about accountability, how much of it I have, how much others have, the sting of it, the authenticity of it, etc.

I'm struggling with a member in my group right now, trying to find my place with him both in where I want to be and where I think he is with me.

It's tricky. I've found myself very angry, very hurt, misunderstood, understood, hopeful, ashamed, hopeless and probably a bunch of other stuff. Very confusing. It's difficult to balance relationships, so much room for error and misunderstandings, wrong assumptions.

My frustration turns to self protection pretty quickly and I have to think about what I say before I act impulsively, which is inevitably where my mind and body lean.

I was pushed hard last week. It felt hard. I suppose that is debateable. This week the push back manifested in several thoughts of acting out, such as, wanting to email the group and then not showing up to group. Then there's a general feeling of both avoidance and a strong sense that I wanted to get even, hurt him emotionally.

I sort of think that I don't so much really want to be close to him but that he represents a person in my life that I did want to be close to. I'm not altogether positive that any of this has to do with him or an actual real feeling of wanting a deeper relationship.

I think he generally dislikes me. I think I can't stand that he doesn't like me. I don't think I want a deeper relationship with him but actually probably my Mother & Father for that matter. Actually, it is probably my sister that I want a deeper relationship with.

Hope can be a terrible thing.

Maybe this is all pychoanalytical bullshit. It's hard for me to judge anymore. I think I sound like I know it all. I really don't know jack shit.

Giving Up

I had to take a quick blog break.

I asked Kim, yesterday, I think, if she needed help at home. Parker makes things exceptional harder to get done but in a truly wonderful way. We would not trade it.

Kim declined and said that she was getting the hang of it.

She is brave. Far braver than me.

Today, I realized that I can't do what I'm doing and do all of the bookkeeping down here. And the only person I trust to help me is Kim, and she is the first busiest person I know.

I have to let go of it. I am falling hopelessly behind on my bread and butter. I can sell anything and I can make the project turn out great when I am focused and not over whelmed.

I am over whelmed!

So 5 minutes ago, I hired my Peachtree software, bookkeeping guru lady to find us a bookkeeper at $75 per hour.

Back to work.

Witness

I stopped to post this entry. I stopped my very hectic, busy, payroll tax filing life to write this down. I took time away from my wife and new, tiny, miraculous wonderful baby.

I don't want to forget this moment.

Earlier today, someone that I am very close to, though I believe that I sometimes take this relationship for granted, asked me to read a letter that she wrote to her Father. I use the capital letter only for grammatical correctness.

He doesn't deserve the big F. At least not in that way.

There is absolutely not anyone that could misconstrue this man's actions towards his daughters as anything but twisted, gut wrenching, self serving and malicious.

I'm certain that you get the idea without me having to sickly type it out.

She asked me to read her letter to her Father where she would finally tell him how she feels. Purging, cleansing, growing and probably hurting so much, more than I care to even witness.

She wanted me to help her make a succinct, laser point presentation of the pain of what her parent's, both, knowingly chose to do to her and her sisters. To their childeren.

I am still the only party in this relationship to acknowledge that her Mother was complicit.

She wanted her arguments to sound smart. She wanted to be strong and not show any weakness. She wanted me to help her, help her make sense, help her make a strong point, help her to be heard.

I read her letter to her Father, not fully realizing the privilege that this really wonderful human was giving me.

In the end, I told her not to change a thing. There was nothing that should be added or subtracted. It was horrible to hear and beautiful to witness something so cathartic and personal.

I went into it thinking how I could help her and "I would just clean it up" but stick to her point. "She" would show them who Sandra is with big words, dramatic punctuation and and precision skewering.

I learned something and though I can't describe it, I know how it feels.

Sandra not only showed them but she showed me as well. Hopefully I won't read this tomorrow and regret it since this blog isn't private. But fuck it. Who says that I'm afraid to be mushy.

The Good Life

My beautiful wife and daughter are sleeping right behind me. My awesome son is upstairs doing electronic things. I am having a glass of wine, listening to Jerry Sandusky lie on the news while my dogs sleep nearby.

I am thankful, and I just thought that I should acknowledge it. Right now, at this time in my life is the best I have ever felt.

As rote as it sounds, I am grateful!

New Mom

I've spent the last few weeks with my mother in law. She came to help us while Kim was on mandatory bed rest. You can imagine how that went knowing Kim.

I've learned a lot about Jovette the past few weeks, and there has not been one thing that I don't like. I feel so fortunate to have her in my life and in our daughter's life.

I think that the most important thing that I have come to know is her sweetness and compassion and love for her family, me included.

In summation, she is not my mother in law. I have dubbed her New Mom, and it has stuck and made us all smile, most of all me.

So this blog is to my New Mom. It brings tears to my eyes to think about you and I miss you now even as we anticipate your upcoming return.

I hope to never let her down.

Living Whole Heartedly

The past couple of weeks I've been trying out being truthful with my customers about my family. I've been very reluctant to tell people that my spouse is a woman and that we have a 10 yr old and a baby on the way.

Today I was greeted by one of my customers, who had heard from another of my customers, that I had a new arrival. She was so warm and congratulating and genuinely interested in my baby and ultimately in who I really am.

I have been under the assumption that I would get a cold, prejudiced reception. And as I have stretched myself and allowed myself to be truthfully, vulnerably out, I have found that perhaps the bias was mine.

I've always been able to count on my friends and my new family to love and accept me, and now I think that I need to give a big shout out to all of my wonderful employees and customers for showing me such kindness and generosity in my journey to share my family openly and honestly.

I feel emboldened to be all of who I am without fear of other's reactions.

And Then Jake Said.....

I had a blog on MySpace that was ruined through a series of unfortunate events. Some of what I wrote were things that Jake has said, hence the title.

So this is a continuation of that.

Jake and I were sitting together the other day sharing space as we sometimes do. That is typically the extent of it. We share space. We watch tv. We read. We eat. Sometimes we play games, throw the ball or walk the neighborhood. Generally, though, we share space.

He is my amazing boy. Truly an amazing human. So happy to share these moments with him.

Yes, I am aware that I don't write in complete sentences. I don't care.

So we were watching something and there was a reference to a virgin.

Jake says, "Momma, what is a virgin?"

I answer him truthfully. That is what I am supposed to do, right?

He looked at me as if something was amiss, so I asked him, "Where did you see that word?"

I knew that he must've seen it and didn't spontaneously generate it.

So he tells me that he saw it on the tv.

Then he says, "Uuuuhhhmmmmm Momma, isn't a virgin a furry animal?"

"No sweetheart."

I am puzzled at this point when Jake interjects to straighten me out.

"Momma, I get it now. I remember what I thought. I was thinking of a vermin not a virgin."

"That totally makes sense now, sweetheart."