The Lies That We Tell Ourselves

I'm watching 60 Minutes while Kim is editing photos, and I am also writing. The topic of the news program is about a man named, Greg Mortenson, who is an author and become somewhat of a cult figure amongst so many.

The story centers around Mr. Mortenson fabricating stories to drive his book sales, non profits and I suppose, as this story suggests, to line his pockets.

It is troubling.But it is not surprising.

Mr. Mortenson is lying to us, to his followers and to himself.

The segway to this entry is that what Greg Mortenson is doing is not so different than what we all do in some form or another every day, yet Mr. Mortenson is doing it on a much grander scale and for profit.

I think that generally as humans we put ourselves out there in a way so that we might show the best in ourselves or at the least the best that we want to believe we are.

The truth of this is often irrelevant. It is an easy lie to tell.

I am certainly guilty of this though in the past few years, I am trying to be exactly who I am and live my life whole heartedly thanks to therapy, my group, my beautiful wife & children and Brene Brown and perhaps a few others.

Last week I was faced with a customer being quite nasty towards me though I am certain that he would argue that he did nothing wrong. And maybe it wasn't wrong but it certainly was insulting.

I have done a great deal of thinking about this interaction with this customer where I made the choice to stand up for myself, set a boundary and most likely piss this guy off by doing so.

It has bothered me. It has consumed me. I am purging this through my writing. I am processing, which I find to be such a ridiculous term. I am doing what I can to see my part and move past it.

My conclusion is that though I may have created a situation for them to go to someone else to buy their carpet after I had totally rocked their bathroom remodel, I did not deserve to have my money held as "leverage" for a noisy bathroom fan that I was willing to replace.

They owed my over $6000

It was a $50 fan.

I would have done most anything to make them happy, and I did once they asked me (I am being generous by using the term asking) to replace it.

I would not and will not allow someone to tear me down, question my integrity and treat me with such disregard.

I stood up for myself. I spoke to him respectfully. I made my point. I stood my ground without yelling. I kicked ass. I really did and in a way that is new. It is the new, improved me. The me that wants to treat people in a way that reflects who I am, who I strive everyday to be.

I am certain that this man that chose to be pretty awful to me believes in his heart that this is my fault. I am to blame in his mind. He is the customer and always right. I am just the remodel lady that back talked him.

He is deceiving himself. The way that he treated me was not ok and I stood up to him.

Had I been in the wrong, I truly believe that I am in a place where I could acknowledge it, learn from it and find a way to do something different moving forward.

I am done lying to myself about who I am. I am really done!  As difficult as it may be to hear, I want to live my life really knowing who I am and be able to hear from others their experience of me.

Where Did Those People Go

I had to find a baby picture this week b/c our friends, Vanessa & Jessica, are throwing us a baby shower and apparently it is customary to find ridiculous pictures of yourself for everyone to pretend to ooooo and aaaahhhhh over.

I don't get it, but I'm sure that it is one of the many things that I don't get. The way families relate to one another is foreign to me, much in the same way that one might not understand chemistry or advanced mathmatics if they had never been introduced to them in some sort of educational setting.

I don't know what normal families do, and since my last blog, I don't think that I am really supposed to be writing about it.

However, since Kim and I are the only ones that see this blog, I have decided to risk my future prospects at a relationship with them to pursue my purging of an unpleasant childhood and in some respects adulthood as well.

Oh wait.......

So I sifted through one of the only photos albums that I have looking for the cutest picture that could possibly exist in the 50 pictures that I have from my childhood.

I came upon pictures of me, icecream on my face, sun dresses, playing in a birthday cake, hugging my grandparents. A story in pictures or a 1/4 of the story at least.

I found pictures of two very young people holding me, looking like they adore me. I stared blankly at my parents holding little, bitty me and they actually looked happy and so did I.

I missed them. I missed the people that they were in those pictures. Those people probably never really existed, and even if they did, I haven't seen them since I stared at the photos.

The only thought that I could really muster was, "Where did those people go?"

Where indeed.

Pamper Time

I have been sitting holding the tinyist diaper ever. It is so cute, and I am mesmerized and completely in love with the baby that my wife is carrying and the woman that is sacrificing so much so that we can share this miracle.

Kim, you are amazing.

This little diaper has baby Bert & Ernie characters adorning it and smells just like you dream a baby smells.

I am humbled by the whole experience. I can't wait for the journey of pregnancy, puking, scary bleeding, week counting, furniture shopping and the dread of a c section to be over and for the next phase of having TBNL sharing our home with us all to begin.

I love my family.

Kim, Jake, TBNL, Maggie, Lola, Fat Cat, Tuna, Mr Swimmy and Spaz, you guys are the most perfect family in the world, and I am incredibly blessed by your presense in my life.