Fucking Accountability

I've been doing a lot of thinking about accountability, how much of it I have, how much others have, the sting of it, the authenticity of it, etc.

I'm struggling with a member in my group right now, trying to find my place with him both in where I want to be and where I think he is with me.

It's tricky. I've found myself very angry, very hurt, misunderstood, understood, hopeful, ashamed, hopeless and probably a bunch of other stuff. Very confusing. It's difficult to balance relationships, so much room for error and misunderstandings, wrong assumptions.

My frustration turns to self protection pretty quickly and I have to think about what I say before I act impulsively, which is inevitably where my mind and body lean.

I was pushed hard last week. It felt hard. I suppose that is debateable. This week the push back manifested in several thoughts of acting out, such as, wanting to email the group and then not showing up to group. Then there's a general feeling of both avoidance and a strong sense that I wanted to get even, hurt him emotionally.

I sort of think that I don't so much really want to be close to him but that he represents a person in my life that I did want to be close to. I'm not altogether positive that any of this has to do with him or an actual real feeling of wanting a deeper relationship.

I think he generally dislikes me. I think I can't stand that he doesn't like me. I don't think I want a deeper relationship with him but actually probably my Mother & Father for that matter. Actually, it is probably my sister that I want a deeper relationship with.

Hope can be a terrible thing.

Maybe this is all pychoanalytical bullshit. It's hard for me to judge anymore. I think I sound like I know it all. I really don't know jack shit.

Giving Up

I had to take a quick blog break.

I asked Kim, yesterday, I think, if she needed help at home. Parker makes things exceptional harder to get done but in a truly wonderful way. We would not trade it.

Kim declined and said that she was getting the hang of it.

She is brave. Far braver than me.

Today, I realized that I can't do what I'm doing and do all of the bookkeeping down here. And the only person I trust to help me is Kim, and she is the first busiest person I know.

I have to let go of it. I am falling hopelessly behind on my bread and butter. I can sell anything and I can make the project turn out great when I am focused and not over whelmed.

I am over whelmed!

So 5 minutes ago, I hired my Peachtree software, bookkeeping guru lady to find us a bookkeeper at $75 per hour.

Back to work.